“You’d be surprised at how many interesting, weird and downright creepy emails we receive on a weekly basis. Rather than deleting them, we thought we as an editorial staff would take a crack at answering some of the questions that pique our interest and post them every Friday. From sartorial questions to matters of the human body, nothing is too weird…unless it is and now we’re alerting the proper authorities. To the questions!”
Reader Rob writes: How do I know if my pants are too tight?
It’s interesting that Rob brings up sausage packaging in the wake of news that Don Draper’s tillywhacker is causing problems on the set of Mad Men. We’re all keenly aware that male trousers and jeans have become increasingly more snug in recent years – a far cry from when gentleman paraded around in pants that provided a shapely silhouette as if they had just shit in their dungarees. There’s a very fine line – scrotum thin perhaps – between staying sharp and revealing your elephant tusk to the entire world. The common euphemism used to be, “your pants should never be tighter than your girlfriend’s pants,” so perhaps we can attribute that ethos to the sudden emergence of drop crotch styling that keeps it tight around the ankles and baggy around the basin. As a general rule of thumb, if people can make out your leg hair through your pants and think it’s all-over print, your pants are probably a little too snug.
Reader Brian writes: Times are changing. Can you finally hit a man who is wearing glasses?
No one officially knows where this idiom comes from, but it’s safe to assume that someone crafted this quip in hopes that his horn-rims would prevent him from getting his chin-checked. We’re not in business of advocating violence around these parts, but no singular accessory should make a person exempt from an ass-kicking, so long as that person deserves it. Four eyes, clenched fist, can punch.
Reader Paolo writes: Is it ever appropriate for a man to send emojis?
Sending emojis shouldn’t be looked as a tool reserved solely for women. It’s not a matter of gender, it’s a matter of intelligence. Text messaging was supposed to solve the crisis of wanting to make a correspondence with a person, but having the problem/question not warrant a phone call. Suddenly text messaging is too much that we need smiley faces and hearts to communicate our desires?! Man up and use your words. If you can’t say or type “I want to come over and have you rub baby oil all over my head, neck and shoulders,” then a picture of a yellow smiley face blowing kisses while riding a motorcycle while juggling chainsaws just isn’t going to cut it.
Reader Sarah H. writes: My fiancé and I are getting married in May and he’s about to have his bachelor party in Vegas this weekend. I noticed he packed a pair of sweatpants. Am I to assume he’s going to be wearing these sweats to a strip club? Do men actually do this?
How do you tell a blushing-bride-to-be that her husband plans on wearing a skimpy pair of sweats in order to better thrust his wiener against an exotic dancer undoubtedly named Melody or Tami-Lynn? Is there an emoji for that?
Unfortunately for you, Sarah H, your fiancé plans on wearing those sweatpants to a strip club. While it’s not unheard of, it (camel) toes the line between good, clean bachelor party fun and dirtbag status. While it shouldn’t be grounds to call off the ceremony, see if you can get him to admit eating lunch at a strip club. If there’s a cardinal rule to Strip Club like there’s a cardinal rule to Fight Club, it’s that “thou shall never touch a woman’s boob with fingers that still have grease on them from the chicken breast buffet.”
Reader Ben L. writes: Let’s assume that the Miami Heat finish the season undefeated and run through the playoffs in a similar undefeated manner, does this make them the greatest team of all time?
For this to happen, the Heat would finish the regular season on a 38 game winning streak with a record of 68-14. Add in another 16 unblemished victories in the playoffs and we’re talking about 54 wins in a row. The consensus choice of greatest basketball team of all-time are the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls who finished the regular season with an NBA best 72 victories versus 10 defeats – and breezing through the playoffs with a 15-3 record. Statistically, the Bulls got off to a blazing start going 41-3 – and had statistical dominance thanks to Michael Jordan who picked up his 8th scoring title and triple crown MVP (regular season, All-Star game and finals). Yet, a string of dominance that Ben proposes would undoubtedly make the Miami Heat the greatest team of all-time.
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