The imminent reveal of this year's Oscar nominations has entertainment reporters preparing for a very early morning, and the rest of us wondering whether Lady Gaga will snag Best Actress for her unhinged performance in House of Gucci.
Despite its undeniable star power, the Oscars isn't nearly as relevant as it was, say, five years ago. With a pared-down, COVID-conscious ceremony and a history of prejudice and racism akin to the Grammys, the industry event is no longer regarded as the be-all, end-all of Hollywood.
Indeed, this year's (predicted) top contenders for Best Picture seem pretty out of touch. Did anyone actually see Belfast? And, just months ago, wasn't everyone clowning Don't Look Up?
The Academy be damned! We're giving these institutionally overlooked movies, actors, and movie-related phenomenons the flowers they deserve.
Enter: The 2022 Oscar Winners That Could and Should Be.
Best Picture For Short Kings Everywhere - Spider-Man: No Way Home
Spider-Man isn't just an arachnid super hero — he's also the sorely needed champion of men under five-foot-eight (diminutive, according to Twitter). Shutting down slander regarding the two-inch height gap between him and Zendaya, Tom Holland stepped up to the plate for Short Kings around the world.
Best Actor in a Bearded Role - Oscar Isaac, Scenes From a Marriage
Oscar Isaac as unshaven, impeccably dressed psychology professor Jonathan Levy: the role that launched a thousand thirst tweets.
Best Actress in a Movie No One Watched - Camilla Cabello, Cinderella
I mean, did you watch it?
Best-Accessorized Actor in a Supporting Role - Jonah Hill, Don't Look Up
Step aside, Jennifer Lawrence's Baby Bangs — Jonah Hill's Birkin Bag was the only thing about Don't Look Up that truly mattered.
Best Over-25 in a Teen Role: Ben Platt, Dear Evan Hansen
Makeup and wardrobe's efforts to de-age Ben Platt — fallen victim to pancake makeup and a striped polo from The Children's Place — did not make a very convincing case for the casting of a 28-year-old as a high schooler.
Best Worst Movie Premiere 'Fit: Daniel Craig's Pink Suit
Daniel Craig's fuchsia tuxedo jacket was nice. But the hyperbolic headlines that it generated were pandering, at best. Let a man wear pink in peace!
Best Movie Premiere 'Fit: Zendaya's Spiderweb Gown
Zendaya's custom Valentino gown, embroidered with beaded spiderwebs, was a stylishly on-the-nose choice for the Los Angeles premiere of Spider-Man: No Way Home. Complete with a lacy mask, the ensemble had fans screaming, crying, and throwing up (in a good way!).
Best Russian Accent: Lady Gaga, House of Gucci
It definitely wasn't Italian.
Best Celebrity Reaction to a Film - Madonna, Licorice Pizza
Cementing her status as one of Instagram's Most Valuable Players, Madonna posted a characteristically colorful response to Paul Thomas Anderson's Licorice Pizza: "Omgggggggggg!! Felt so inspired I had to clean the theater!" she captioned a slideshow of selfies, including a shot of her mopping the floor.
Best Movie Villain to Real-Life Villain - Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt's downfall started with a 2020 Twitter thread asking which "Hollywood Chris" (Pratt, Evans, Hemsworth or Pine) should go. The popular vote? Pratt, whom many accused of supporting an anti-LGBTQ church. Combined with the Star-Lord actor's recent divorce, gratuitous voice acting roles, and cringe-y Instagram post waxing poetic about his wife, Katherine Schwarzenegger, Pratt quickly went from Marvel villain to IRL villain.
