How on earth am I supposed to keep track of all these columns? I mean, I think this is, like, week 12. Which means I have to write about your feet. But surely not? Not this already. Please don’t make me write about your fucking feet. Has anyone ever told you how gross they are? Apologies to your self-esteem and all that but you’re like a hobbit who’s had a harder time of it than average. No offense. OK, some offense. Look at how your misshapen toes protrude from your metatarsals like 10 root vegetables discarded at the farm for their ugly un-sellability. You do have 10, right?
What? Stop crying. We all have gross feet. Even me. And hands, they’re shit too. I don’t know what it is about men but the outermost edges of our bodies are oft the most neglected, despite being so regularly on show. So let’s make you less offensive to behold, shall we?
Step 1: Get the snip
Here’s a paradoxical quandary: fast and strong nail growth is a sign of good health, but long nails on a dude are horrifying. So the healthier you are the harder it is to look good. Clip ‘em. Specifically, use a toenail clipper on your feet like the pleasingly inexpensive pair by Tweezerman. I’d recommend this over regular nail scissors, which encourage rounding the nail – good for fingers, bad for toes, as it can lead to ingrowth – and scissors on your fingers
Step 2: Soak it off
Hands tend to be washed more than any body part, so we’ll leave them out here. Feet, however…well, they’re just so far away. Trouble is, they’re dirtier than your mom and in need of cleansing. If you’re prone to anything fungal down there, give them a good going over with your regular shower gel. Then dry diligently, paying attention to the area between each toe, and then apply a cream. Any moisturizer will do but Clarins’ Foot Beauty Treatment Cream is designed to soften the unsightly skin and make your nails appear healthier.
Step 3: Flay yourself
If your skin tells a story your feet are a fucking tragedy. Anyone into sport or who simply forces his feet into the pair of Jordans he’s outgrown but can’t get rid off will know that calluses suck. Buy a pumice stone or foot file (The Body Shop offer a cheap one – there’s no need to spend much cash here) and go to town once a week by exfoliating hard areas with moderate pressure. Ensure your foot is dry before hand. Oh, and if it bleeds, you’d doing it too hard.
Step 4: Give a hand
Back to your hands. With anti-bac hand sanitizers and all that other paranoid nonsense you can’t move for these days, your hands are likely dry AF. You can combat this by either keeping a bit of moisturizer back after each face application and working it into your palms and fingers, or by going full Patrick Bateman and buying a specific cream for the job. I personally think this purchase is too psycho, but if you’re into it, Kiehl’s Ultimate Hand Salve feels like happiness worked into your hands.
I fucking hate the word “salve.”
Hit me with your grooming questions below so I don’t have to come up with column ideas for myself and can just answer them next week.
– Alex Harris
Knock, knock. Who is it? Groom service.
- Image: Adama Pharmacy