Halloween is supposed to be fun but finding a costume can be a total chore. Certain people really like the challenge of piecing together an inventive and unexpected outfit, seeing it as an exciting opportunity to express their creativity. Others just want to get drunk and don’t see why they need to dress up like a damn fool to do so.
I fall firmly in the latter camp, but I also don’t like being a killjoy that doesn’t participate in group activities – and enduring derisory stares and condescending comments is an even bigger chore than finding and wearing a costume.
Luckily, Amazon exists for all the effort-shy slobs out there who just want to pick, click and have their outfit delivered straight to their door. Does that sound like you? Are you so lazy that you don’t even want to browse the internet for a costume, but don’t have enough money for a personal assistant that will do the not-so-hard work for you? Well, it’s your lucky day, because I’ve done just that.
This is two costumes rolled into one: a singular nightstand and a one-night stand. Y’know, like casual sex, geddit? Geddit? Just goes to show how a little bit of punctuation can make a big difference. (I helped my uncle jack off a horse / I helped my Uncle, Jack, off a horse.)
It’s also a costume that can be used two years in a row: first you can parade yourself around as a shitty piece of furniture, while next year you can come as a pun, or vice versa. So economical! Just don’t expect to get laid with this sort of humor. Not this year, not next, not ever.
Perverted Genie Lamp
If you find that no one wants to let you near their drinks (or within groping radius of their body) this Halloween, that’s because this costume makes you look like a roofie peddler. Also, why is it that a children’s holiday becomes so perverted when placed in adult hands? Freud would have a field day.
It’s difficult to tell if this is a Buzz Lightyear Halloween costume or a Buzz Lightyear burkini, although I’m leaning towards the latter. So maybe don’t wear it in France, otherwise you might be told to take it off or end up as a hate crime victim or something.
Sexy Female Nemo
It’s hard to tell who is being objectified here: women or fish, but there is most certainly some objectification going on, which is pretty standard when it comes to female Halloween costumes. Patriarchal tyranny aside, though, the fact that someone managed to sexy up a fish is pretty impressive. But I must admit, it’s making me feel a bit uncomfortable: I didn’t know a fish could raise my…pulse…like this.
Ewok Dog Costume
Didn’t get invited to any Halloween parties this year? Well, fill that friendless void with this Ewok costume for your dog. Human interaction? Pah; so overrated. Just think of how many likes this would get on Instagram. What more validation do you need?
Inflatable Jabba the Hut
Bored of 50:50 trick-or-treat odds? Well, add in a third variable by making people guess whether you’ve come dressed as Jabba the Hut, a gargantuan turd or Mother Theresa.
Plug & Socket couples costume
Donald Trump will undoubtedly go down as the biggest cliche of Halloween 2016. If you’re still going to buy this costume keep two things in mind: you’ll need some fake tan to pull it off completely, and wearing it does NOT give you an excuse to grab women by the pussy. What might seem like a harmless Halloween joke between friends is actually a sexual assault charge waiting to happen.
Yet another one that kills two birds with one stone, doubling up as both a Halloween costume and a MTV Video Music Awards outfit. That’s if you don’t mind looking like Ed Gein, who made clothing out of women’s skin – which you should mind.
Wrong holiday, guy. Go home.
For more snark, check out our roundup of the best sneakers available on Amazon for under $50.