Is Pharrell Williams a vampire? Google it. It’s been a popular search for a while. Ostensibly, he’s just a chilled 43-year-old (!) dude who looks like a chilled 23-year-old dude. In fact, he’s had the same fucking face since The Neptunes back in ‘94 and it’s freaky as shit.
Of course, he’s (probably) not a vampire. Two more likely scenarios remain, after you rule that one out. (We’re ruling it out, right?). Maybe he’s an animated – robotic? haunted? – 2003 waxwork of himself. Or his serum and toner game is tight AF. Either way, the man’s skin is on fleek. He’s old enough to be your dad but looks like your younger bro. If grooming marketing has taught us anything, it’s that aging is a crime punishable by social death. Let’s Pharrell the fuck outta your face, then, so you too can stay handsome and get ID’d at the 7/11 until you die.
WTF IS A TONER?
WTF indeed. This is advanced shit. Level 10 at the beauty counter. A toner helps to keep your skin taught and adds a level of pore cleansing and minimizing of which your facewash can only dream. You can, if you wish, splash the stuff on après wash and then rinse. But pros will tell you to apply gently using a cotton wool pad.
Use it: Focus, as ever, on the T-zone – forehead, nose, chin, all those places prone to spots and visible pores. Dab with smooth movements and don’t apply much pressure as toners can sometimes be harsh on your skin. Aesop’s Parsley Seed Toner is far and away the best I’ve used. It relies on natural antioxidants rather than skin-ruining chemicals so you can look 12 forever.
WTF IS A SERUM?
Time was men just washed with the oily residue of a Chevy wheel and went back to hitting metal with metal. Now you need products that penetrate into your skin, ensuring maximum moisturizing to protect your pretty face for all those fucking Snapchats you take. It’s for this modern level of male vanity that serums were invented. And there are options aplenty.
If skin aging is your specific worry, then LAB Series MAX LS Lifting Serum is for you. It’ll keep your skin taught in what LAB Series call the fight against gravity. Marketing BS? Probably. But saggy skin ain’t what you want when you reach Pharrell’s age. Apply it after you’ve dried your face from showering or washing.
But of course, you’re young. So right now you’re more worried about pimples and breakouts than you are lines and drooping. In which case, you can opt for a serum designed specifically to murder such blemishes in their absolute nascency.
To that end, use Hydraphase Intense Serum by La Roche-Posay. The French brand specializes in killing off spots and their serum is no less targeted. Has Pharrell ever in his life had a pimple? I sincerely doubt it. But if he did, I’m sure he’d use this shit to deal with it.
Actually, come to think of it, he’d probably just buy a bigger hat. Perhaps one that attracts the eye in such a way that you fail to notice any blemishes on his skin.
ACTUALLY HANG ON GUYS I MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE!
Think about it: When you look at photos of Pharrell, do you ever actually see his face? Or are you too distracted by that fuck-ton of Canadian mountie memorabilia resting on top of his head?
I digress. Vampire or master of hat-based distraction, it matters not. You probably couldn’t pull off a mountie hat and you’re not walking folklorian death that feeds on the lifeblood of the living in lieu of a grooming regime. So let’s get back to serums.
Again, my favorite allrounder is from Aesop. I don’t like too much grease on my face because I’m a man and I already produce plenty. Which is why I personally use Aesop’s Oil-free Hydrating Serum.
Use it: Apply a small drop to your face after washing. Or just avoid direct sunlight.
Hit me with your grooming questions below so I don’t have to come up with column ideas for myself and can just answer them next week. – Alex Harris
Knock, knock. Who is it? Groom service.