Sweet gains, bro. Those 14 minutes on the travelator totally worked. Your legs are like two prized hams. Chest bump? Chest bump.
It’s not your leg size that makes them ham-like, mind you. Nor their sinewy, visceral meatiness. No. It’s because you’re pink and sweaty. You went to the gym. You now have gym face. Gym legs, too. Sweat glands you didn’t know existed show no signs of quitting their inexorable secretion all over your work uniform. Your skin is flush. Your heart still pounding a little too hard.
It’s unhealthy, man. Fucking quit. Sure, exercise is good for your long-term health. But the gym is terrible for your skin. And we both know what’s more important. In the meantime, these products will help save your face. Up until this month’s membership is done. Then you can finally be free of the hip-thrusting sweatbox that’s giving you pimples bigger than your pecs.
Step 1: Beat the grease
Where one would take a prized leg of acorn-fed Iberico and hang it to make it a dry, pleasing piece of meat, your haminess needs grooming products. Post-workout, your skin is slick with oil. That’s due to the increase in body temperature. You know the science: you sweat more to cool down.
This can cause pimples, rashes, blotches and more. So once you’ve finished towel-slapping your gym bros, hit the shower. Wash your face using Kiehl’s Rare Earth Deep Pore Daily Cleanser, which clears your pores and removes oil. There’s a pleasing foam to it, too, which feels a lot nicer on your sensitive little face than most other face washes.
Step 2: Fight the heat
Ever used a mint shampoo before? It’s like sex but with a bit less crying. Menthol is useful here as the cooling feeling left behind is just what you need after slamming your carcass up and down on a treadmill for 40 minutes.
(JUST RUN OUTSIDE YOU LAZY FUCK!)
Lather a blob of Paul Mitchell Lavender Mint Moisturizing Shampoo into your hair. There’s a cold burn that’ll remind you of that one time you experimented with jazzy lube when you were 16 and swore never, ever to do so again. But on your head after a workout it’s the fucking dream. Shed a few tears and leave the shower.
Step 3: Reduce the redness
For many, the worst skin issue après gym shower is redness around the cheeks. Maybe you’re overheating, perhaps it’s rosacea – a proneness to flushing. Either way, a product designed specifically to combat this should be in your gym bag.
Clinique’s Redness Solutions would be my pick, but its price is likely to bring on red rage if you don’t have much of a budget for your wash bag.
If that’s the case, Avène has a slightly cheaper alternative.
Or you could just grab some aloe vera gel from The Body Shop if you’re saving your cash in hope that your sneaker bot cleans up during the next Yeezy drop.
Step 4: Freshen the pits
You don’t need me to tell you that your underarms need particular attention after a lunchtime spent picking metal up and putting it back down again. You’re sweating like Donald Trump at a cat petting cafe.
It pays to choose a deodorant that’s fresh but not sticky. Anything too thick will exacerbate the problem and then you’ll be uncomfortable and won’t be able to grab any pussy. Pet any pussy. Pussies. Cats. I meant pet cats. Use Bulldog Skincare’s Original Deodorant. It’s really great.
Step 5: Talc the sweat
Go old school in your final move against the sweats. Your skin might not have seen talc since your swaddling days as a screaming tiny human. But it’s useful for proper men, too. At least that’s what some proper men have told me. Find one and ask him to double check.
Best keep it to your feet though. Bizarrely, talcum powder has recently been linked to cancer in women (don’t apply it to your genitals) however studies are inconclusive, so it's likely fine for use. And certainly fine applied between your toes to ensure you never suffer athlete’s foot. Just grab it cheap from The Body Shop or cheaper still from Amazon. Then strut out the gym with your proper manly softly-powdered feet.
Hit me with your grooming questions below so I don’t have to come up with column ideas for myself and can just answer them next week. – Alex Harris
Knock, knock. Who is it? Groom service.