Romance is out! Friendship is in! This Valentine's Day, Highsnobiety is celebrating the beauty of love outside the traditional confines of romantic relationships. After all, friendship and creative collaboration take just as much work, time, and effort. After reading our State of Love, Meet 5 couples who aren't couples.
Roses are red, violets are blue, honey is sweet — just maybe not to you. Relationships are complicated. So is sex, dating, non-monogamous partnerships, and creative collaboration. Whom you look to for companionship and whom you choose to share your life with — and for how long — is highly personal. But they’re also not decisions you’re making in a vacuum. Plenty depends on the social and cultural spheres you inhabit, as well as how you choose to break away from what you’ve been taught is “right.”
No matter how unconventional your relationships may be, things like paying for groceries, buying a house, having and raising kids, moving for a job, or staying out all night inevitably become questions that the people closest to you have to answer. In other words: Is your best friend going to help raise your kids? Does your non-monogamous partner care if you’re home at dawn? Will your business partner sit next to you at your parents’ table on Thanksgiving? Are you buying a ring for your engagement? And do you want to be engaged at all?
In order to learn more about how you’re approaching relationships these days, Highsnobiety conducted its first-ever State of Love study. In November 2023, we asked hundreds of readers about their life-long friendships, their stance on marriage, dating, and the rules they adhere to in committed relationships. Here’s what we discovered.
What you’re looking for
You’re looking for commitment, monogamy, emotional availability, and stability. Just under half of our respondents are single, and the same amount, around 40 percent, are looking for a committed, long-term relationship. Eighteen percent are into casual dating, though they’re open to something else, should the right person come along. Only 10 percent are in open or non-monogamous relationships, and by and large they don’t believe in cheating (though almost 32 percent of women and 25 percent of men have). It’s also been well-reported that Generation Z is having less sex than any previous generation.
“Primarily I think older people don’t get that you can love and be committed to someone while practicing non-monogamy. I would never tell my parents that my partner and I slept with other people, even though it’s completely normal to us and many in our peer group.”
Where you’re looking for love
You’re into meeting people wherever, but prefer it to be spontaneous or through acquaintances (68 percent have met a love interest through friends). Still, you’re not opposed to apps (51 percent use them; Hinge is the favorite). You’re also using apps for all kinds of reasons. These apps are not just to date but to form creative partnerships and make long-lasting friends.
The majority of respondents (63 percent) are using apps to explore casual dating; 58 percent are just looking for fun; 54 percent for serious relationships; and 54 percent for love. But, a few of you said the impact of swiping is felt: If you can swipe endlessly through potential partners, why settle for anyone?
Which apps you’re using
Hinge (65 percent), Tinder (59 percent), Bumble (47 percent), Raya (24 percent), OKCupid (13 percent), Grindr (10 percent), Feeld (7 percent), and other (11 percent, which includes The League, Coffee Meets Bagel, Jack’d, Salams, Scruff, Happn, Romeo, Meetic, HER, Plenty of Fish, BLK, Seeking, Lox Club, Black People Meet, and Elite).
You’re not opposed to falling in love with what you find online. You believe that meaningful, emotional connections can happen through digital platforms, and 39 percent believe it’s possible to fall in love this way, without having met in real life. Only 33 percent would consider dating an AI to be cheating. Overwhelmingly, you are drawn to monogamous, long-distance relationships with the right person. With technology, it has never been easier to make a long-distance (or “mid-distance”) relationship work.
Who you’re looking for
Seventy-three percent of you don’t expect your romantic partner to fulfill all your needs, which means you’re realistic. And you do your research: 61 percent check social media before going on a date with someone (but only 7 percent view it as a red flag if a person doesn’t have an online presence to stalk). You want someone who can offer you autonomy within the relationship, a sense of mutual respect, and shared socio-political views. Only 6 percent of you said a potential partner’s astrological sign could constitute a red flag. Overwhelmingly, you’re not willing to settle.
“That sometimes a partner isn’t even wanted and that other goals are more important to some (i.e., personal development, career, friendships, etc.). Life is so much more than finding that one person to share your whole life with. In the end, only you yourself are the center of your life.”
What you’re doing together
Dinner, once a week (46 percent), but also grabbing drinks (40 percent). Over half of respondents are having sober dates at least once a week (52 percent). And 32 percent are collaborating creatively, at least once a month.
Overall, friendships and creative collaborators are more valuable than romantic and sexual partnerships, especially in a post-Covid world.
What’s the deal with sex?
A lot of you (55 percent) said that the frequency of sexual activity is an indicator of relationship strength. But, if the frequency of sexual activity declines, you don’t think it reflects poorly on the relationship as a whole.
“Sex is just another way to connect. Sometimes peoples’ schedules or moods don’t align some weeks and effort needs to be put in in order to connect in that way. As long as effort is being put in to connect on a deeper/intimate level is what matters most to me.”
When you’re calling it “love”
Basically, between three and six months, you’re saying “I love you” to the person you love. Women are more likely (46 percent) than men to say it first (26 percent), but men are also, curiously, more likely to say it — if they’re going to say it really early on — in the first one to three months.
Are you getting married?
Forty-seven percent of respondents are indifferent to the idea of marriage, but 87 percent feel societal pressures to do it anyway — and by a certain age (53 percent). Thirty-one percent feel strange about dating someone who’s been divorced, which means that the stigma surrounding a person who has left a marriage lives on.
Why you’re making it official
For a lot of you, you’re interested in getting married in order to build a family (68 percent), however, you are equally into the idea of marriage in order to celebrate and solidify the union.
