Look Like A Man in Finance. Trust Fund. 6’5”. Blue Eyes.
... Well, sorta. But first, let's get the beneath-rock dwelling individuals amongst you up to speed. In late April, Girl On Couch posted a jingle of her own creation to TikTok, which'd quickly go viral – perhaps composing, in its wake, the first anthem to accompany a -core era fashion trend:
The much-remixed, utterly earwormy rundown of the user's dating type has been viewed nearly 20 million times as we speak, resounding through an internet populated by girlies, gays, and enbies that share the sentiment. (It also posits her as the author of the song of the summer – a claim we fear may be true.)
In an effort to assist manifestations toward resembling the archetype serenaded, we sketched out a uniform fit for the Finance Bro. Though some things, like genetics, we can't change, the below'll help you feel and dress like – and by that read as – the nepo baby hedge fund manager all of us seem to want to f*ck, marry or become.
Summon Your Inner Venture Capitalist:
Arc'teryx Jacket
There has to be some sort of paradigm akin to the Horseshoe Theory that visualizes the odd proximity between woodsy nerds', self-tattooed pretend-DJs', and serially situationship'd bankers' mutual love of Arc'teryx.
ZEGNA Gilet
Recalling TV's favorite business heir, Kendall Roy, this unassuming but ultra-luxe gilet perfectly encapsulates the subtle decadence often innate to investment-portfolio-indebted personal style.
C.P. Company Gilet
If you can't quite cough up the cash for the aforementioned piece, but are oh-so-over the blueprint-providing Patagonia and Canada Goose versions, give this slightly left-of-center, but no less start-up-founder-appropriate vest a try.
Polo Ralph Lauren Quarter-Zip
Working in finance and owning a wide variety of quarter zip knits – preferably, of course, ones adorned with an embroidered pony emblem – go together hand in hand, non-negotiably so.
AURALEE Pinstripe Shirt
A crisp shirt to wear underneath the above, tuck into before, and drape over your jeans after an 18 hour shift's a must, too.
Moncler Poplin Trousers
Beige chinos are amongst the ultimate preppy staples. Moncler 2024'd them to match obnoxiously loud AirPod calls in public, cultish co-working spaces, and empty Rimowa carry-ons.
Pas Normal Studios Cotton Twill Pants
On this episode of Jocks with Stocks, we spot Pas Normal's casual cycling cargos. If there wasn't one in place already, we'd advise you pair them with a belt and gaudy buckle to make sure everyone knows you have enough disposable income to spend a month's rent on a waistband-fastening accessory.
Prada Penny Loafers
There's another Horseshoe Theory joke in here somewhere, I know it. Suffice it to say for now that people from both ends of the spectrum adore Prada, and a good pair of Italian loafers never hurt nobody – be they inheritance-, piggy bank-, or dividend-funded.
ON Cloudsurfers
Rumor has it you cannot, physically or spiritually, embark on an entrepreneurial career before you buy your first pair of Ons.
Ferragamo Leather Tote
Just because paper –literally – doesn't hold the same weight it used to, does not mean we should deprive ourselves of the joys of carrying an ominously-filled briefcase. This Ferragamo will have both fashion besties and CEO-(sugar)daddies squeal with excitement.
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