Deep in the concrete jungle, where the air is dense with eucalyptus and dopamine flows endlessly, resides an endangered species, more commonly known as the Equinoxus Humanus. From on high, Equinox, with its landscape of bright white marble and wooden panels, is the most Zen place on the planet. It feels like an oasis of serenity with expansive spaces enveloped in warm hues. However, here in the realm of haute wellness, it’s all about survival of the fittest. There are dead lifters, kickboxers, and firestarters on the prowl. And while it all may be very exciting and very chic, with new territory comes new challenges. Naturally, you’ll want to brush up on the pecking order to avoid a fitness faux pas. Lucky you, the lore of this eclectic food chain has arrived to get you up to speed.
The Machine Master
Within this ecosystem, everything glistens; from the steel on its machines to the muscles bulging on its inhabitants—but especially so when it comes to the Machine Master. Let the rhythmic whir of the Woodway treadmill lead you to her territory of the machine floor. Observe as she laces up her sneakers and conquers the digital landscape in front of her with one swoosh of her ponytail and a fierce sprint. Much like her Alo leggings, she’s all about sculpting her body. And while her bouncing and sprinting may appear all fun and games—make no mistake. She’s in for the kill. Espy the 46 oz. Equinox Rambler, AirPods Max, and eucalyptus towel around her. They’re her arsenal of fitness.
The Machine Master was first awakened to the higher power of the burn at an ANTHEM™ sesh. Since then, she’s been unstoppable. First to arrive at group classes and perched behind the instructor in the front row, she isn’t shy about taking up space (she might even take yours to double up on mats for extra sacrum support). Whether she’s obliterating her stats in a Bala Bangle Barre class or redefining endurance in Pilates, she can’t resist a little healthy competition. And so, if you catch her glaring at you, mid-teaser—don’t fret. It’s not you. It’s your form.
The King of the Spa
Down in the executive locker room, a beauty savant convenes at the watering hole where hydration recalls the flavor of cucumber and mint. Amid the steam and scent of grapefruit, the King of The Spa emerges from his natural habitat. In true fashion of the off-duty model, he’ll often don a sleek black swimsuit accented with phosphorescent slides. Sometimes, he’ll bask in the infrared sauna; other days, he’ll wallow in Kiehl’s Crème de Corps in the locker room; but mostly, he’ll gaze into a magnifying mirror contemplating his pores—and all for good reason. The King knows a trick or two to get that instant glow-up. That’s why his gym bag is so big. It’s full of beauty secrets.
With an affinity for purifying plant extracts and soothing masks to calm and clean his skin, his name is one eternally etched on the spa’s appointment list. Look, but don’t engage (if you mention his skin, he’ll begin to list all the acids he cops from Grown Alchemist while walking you through his 12-step night routine).
The "Work-From-Club-er"
Over by the lobby, the Nike-clad Work-From-Club-er reigns supreme with thunderous phone calls—breaking big deals, obviously. In meditation, it’s not so much enlightenment he’s envisioning as much as it is the vintage Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso watch he’s bidding for. Much to the dismay of his yoga instructor, the pings from the Work-From-Club-er’s Slack are a constant reminder of his presence. If searching for him, just follow the aroma of Maison Francis Kurkdjian’s Baccarat Rouge 540, and you’ll find him on the weight floor.
The Work-From-Club-er, prone to On Cloud sneakers and vigorous foam rolling, isn’t shy about asserting his claim over the lifting domain. Even though he’s territorial over the rowing and vertical ab crunch machines, he barely breaks a sweat (his hardest working muscles are his tongue and Air Pods). When he’s not sending email blasts with a fury in the café or blowing up the office’s group chat on the mat, he’ll be squeezing in Zoom calls between bench press sets, just because he’s always on that #grind.
Whether you’re a Machine Master, King of The Spa, Work-From-Club-er, or otherwise, atmosphere is key in matters of fitness. It can easily make or break your workout. As you chart your way through the new year and to your wellness goals, you’ll want to find that sweet spot where sweat begets pleasure. Whatever direction your compass (or Oura Ring) takes you, you may just find that niche out there in the vast biome of Equinox.
Enter the realm of Equinox to unlock your higher self...or your inner "Equinoxus Humanus,”—either will do.
