When it comes to selecting Valentine’s Day movies to watch on Netflix, most recommendation lists count their way through various tales of love and romance. They feature narratives in which the protagonist battles through the trauma of unrequited love, only to win affection in the end and skip merrily, beau-in-hand, into the sunset.
While that’s nice and all — who doesn’t enjoy a cute movie about love every now and again? — if you’re not actually in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, these films might make you want to stab yourself in the eye with Cupid’s clearly blunt AF arrow.
We have, therefore, compiled a bunch of non-romantic movies to watch on Valentine’s Day based on your relationship status. Whether you’re going through a fresh breakup, happily single, or snore-inducingly stable, there’s a film recommendation for all.
Heartbroken: Fyre (2019)
Clearly, given your current status, all films on the topic of relationships are off the cards, whether about people in relationships, people who want to be in them, or people connected to other people in any romantic way at all. What you need, therefore, is a heavy dose of “Babes, it could always be worse.” Netflix’s Fyre is such a dose.
Documenting the absolute disaster that was Ja Rule and Billy McFarland’s Fyre Festival, the film moves through so many nebula-sized clusterfucks that you’ll facepalm that ex of yours right out of your skull, pronto.
See also: If watching a documentary about rich people complaining about cheese sandwiches and rain-soaked mattresses isn’t your vibe, most movies with an apocalyptic theme will also suffice. Check Annihilation, Bird Box (even better if you watch with a blindfold on), and Under the Skin.
Furious: Jaws (1975)
You’ve moved through the immediate breakup sadness and now you’re just plain mad. You’re still not on the romantic movie trip, but this is less about escaping reality (or watching someone mess up their own) and more about adding fuel to the fire. Luckily, Netflix has quite a solid selection of classic films that’ll either serve as action inspiration or catharsis, like Jaws, for example.
Of course, we’re not suggesting you dress up as a killer shark and head to the beach to maim the soul who did you wrong (please don’t do this), but there’s no real harm in imagining this going down from the comfort of your sofa.
See also: If you prefer to attach your fury to a cinematic human rather than a cinematic shark, check out other potential Valentine’s Day movies such as The Terminator or Kill Bill: Vol. 1 and Vol. 2.
Abstinence (or: ready to join a convent): The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Let’s be honest, there’s nothing quite like watching a movie about serial killers to get you in the mood for never getting close to another person again, especially if that film involves a character called Buffalo Bill crafting a suit from the skin of his victims.
Movies and documentaries about serial killers are ideal viewing material when you’re already baffled at the state of humanity. What’s more, Hannibal Lecter makes a great slurping noise guaranteed to make any would-be suitor run for the kills before you can say “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
See also:Making a Murderer, Conversations With a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes
Single and ready to mingle: Magic Mike (2012)
Welcome back to the land of positivity. Nice to have you here! Now you’re free from the clutches of cannibalistic psychopaths and killer sharks, you need a film that’ll inject you with some feelgood fun. And frankly, things don’t come much more joy-injecting than watching peak McConaissance Matthew McConaughey prance around onstage in leather chaps, waistcoat, and cowboy hat.
Ignoring the fact there are some downward spirals in Magic Mike, watching Mike (Channing Tatum) blossom with confidence is a vibe, and one we could all use a little more of.
See also: For a more aspirational dose of attitude, watch Spike Lee’s She’s Gotta Have It, both the OG 1986 movie and the 2017 TV show.
First dates and the honeymoon period: The Conjuring (2013)
Anything that falls under the category “horror” is what you want when looking for movies to watch with your crush, especially if those scary films will make you or your date want to leap behind the nearest possible barrier, which, all going according to plan, will involve human contact.
Yes, of course this is a massive cliché, but such things are based in truth, and if you feel like you’re going to opt for anything else, you’re lying to yourself.
See also:Hush, Gerald’s Game, 1922, and any other horror movie on Netflix.
It’s complicated: Her (2013)
While your relationship status might be a total bore, that doesn’t mean your Valentine’s Day movie viewing needs to be. Spike Jonze’s Her is about the romantic relationship Joaquin Pheonix forms with his computer operating system, which is probably as complicated as relationship statuses get.
In addition to this movie being a cinematic treat, you’ll hopefully feel a little better about whatever convoluted situation you’ve tangled yourself up in.
See also: For a more silly kind of complicated, watch A24’s Swiss Army Man, in which Paul Dano befriends Daniel Radcliffe, who stars as a flatulence-ridden corpse.
Stable AF: The Big Lebowski (1998)
Okay, so now you’re over pretending to be the best version of yourself, we can get to the real deal.
If you’re spending Valentine’s Day at home anyway, your cemented relationship status means that rather than sticking on The Exorcist and leaping behind a strategically placed human shield, you can now wear that bathrobe you’ve owned for who knows how long while shamelessly slurping on some alcoholic “cocktail” consisting of things you found in the refrigerator. In other words, you’ve been given free rein to channel Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski. Roll with it.
Don’t go too far with it, though. You still get points for effort.
See also: Any other “cute film” or “classic” you’ve seen a bunch of times but still adore, such as The Sixth Sense, Billy Elliot, and About a Boy.
Considering a breakup: The Lobster (2015)
Do you really want to break up? If this is a question you’re asking yourself during your Valentine’s Day movie selection process, then a) not a great sign, and b) put yourself in Colin Farrell’s shoes. More specifically, place yourself in the shoes of his character in The Lobster.
After his wife leaves him, he’s legally obliged to check into a hotel in which he has 45 days to find a new partner or he’ll be transformed into an animal. If by the end of the film you figure you’d rather be an actual lobster, manatee, goat, whatever, than spend much longer in your relationship, you’ll have your answer.