When it comes to selecting Valentine’s Day movies to watch on Netflix, most recommendation lists count their way through various tales of love and romance. They feature narratives in which the protagonist battles through the trauma of unrequited love, only to win affection in the end and skip merrily, beau-in-hand, into the sunset.
While that’s nice and all, if you’re not actually in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, these films might make you want to stab yourself in the eye with Cupid’s clearly blunt AF arrow.
To save you from that fate, we have compiled a selection of (non-vom inducing) Netflix movies to watch on Valentine’s Day based on your relationship status. Whether you’re going through a fresh breakup, happily single, or snore-inducingly stable, there’s a film recommendation for all.
Heartbroken: Fyre (2019)
Clearly, given your current status, all films on the topic of relationships are off the cards. What you need instead is a heavy dose of “it could always be worse, hun.” Netflix’s Fyre is such a dose.
Documenting the absolute disaster that was Ja Rule and Billy McFarland’s Fyre Festival, the film moves through so many nebula-sized clusterfucks that you’ll facepalm that ex of yours right out of your skull, pronto.
See also: If watching a documentary about rich people complaining about cheese sandwiches and rain-soaked mattresses isn’t your vibe, most movies with an apocalyptic theme will also suffice. Check The Bad Batch, Bird Box (which is arguably even better if you watch blindfolded), and Under the Skin.
Furious: Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)
You’ve moved through the immediate breakup sadness and now you’re just plain mad. You’re still not on the romantic movie trip, but this is less about escaping reality (or watching someone mess up their own) and more about adding fuel to the fire. Luckily, Netflix has quite a solid selection of classic films that’ll either serve as action inspiration or catharsis, like Kill Bill Vol. 1, for example.
Of course, we’re not suggesting you don a yellow leather catsuit, grab a Hattori Hanzo sword, and work your way down a list of ex’s who no longer deserve to live, but there’s no real harm in imagining this going down from the comfort of your sofa.
See also: The Terminator and Kill Bill: Vol. 2.
Abstinence (or: ready to join a convent): Don’t Fuck With Cats (2019)
Let’s be honest, there’s nothing quite like watching a movie, documentary, or series about serial killers to get you in the mood for never getting close to another person again, especially if that series follows a sadistic maniac that enjoys sticking kittens in vacuum-sealed bag, filming it, and sticking the video on YouTube.
What’s more, as the dude Don’t Fuck With Cats centers on mostly operates online, it provides excellent retaliation fodder to anyone that suggests you get back on Tinder. You’re welcome.
See also: Making a Murderer, Conversations With a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes, You
Single and ready to mingle: Black Panther (2018)
Welcome back to the land of positivity. Nice to have you here. Now you’re free from the clutches of cat-hating psychopaths and machete-wielding divas, you need a film that’ll inject you with some feelgood fun. And frankly, things don’t come much more joy-injecting than watching Black Panther. Honestly, even if you don’t enjoy superhero movies, there is so much sass and beauty in this film that there’s no way you can watch it without feeling empowered.
See also: For a more aspirational dose of attitude, watch Spike Lee’s She’s Gotta Have It, both the OG 1986 movie and the 2017 TV show.
First dates and the honeymoon period: The Conjuring (2013)
Anything that falls under the category “horror” is what you want when looking for movies to watch with your crush, especially if those scary films will make you or your date want to leap behind the nearest possible barrier, which, all going according to plan, will involve human contact.
Yes, this is a massive cliché, but such things are based in truth, and if you feel like you’re going to opt for anything else, you’re lying to yourself.
See also: Hush, Gerald’s Game, 1922, and any other horror movie on Netflix.
It’s complicated: Her (2013)
While your relationship status might be a total bore, that doesn’t mean your Valentine’s Day movie viewing needs to be. Spike Jonze’s Her is about the romantic relationship Joaquin Pheonix forms with his computer operating system, which is probably as complicated as relationship statuses get.
In addition to this movie being a cinematic treat, you’ll hopefully feel a little better about whatever convoluted situation you’ve tangled yourself up in.
See also: For a more silly kind of complicated, watch A24’s Swiss Army Man, in which Paul Dano befriends Daniel Radcliffe, who stars as a flatulence-ridden corpse.
Stable AF: The Irishman (2019)
Okay, so now you’re over pretending to be the best version of yourself, we can get to the real deal.
If you’re spending Valentine’s Day at home anyway, your cemented relationship status means that rather than sticking on The Exorcist and leaping behind a strategically placed human shield, you can put on the world’s longest movie and feel no shame about falling asleep. Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman is a perfect example of this.
While of course, the Oscar-nominated film is an incredible feat in its own right, its eternal length is an undeniable struggle, meaning it’s ideal for most pajama-clad movie nights in which looking (and staying) sexy isn’t on top of the agenda.
See also: Any other classic you’ve seen a bunch of times but still adore, such as Blow, The Sixth Sense, Billy Elliot, and About a Boy.
Considering a breakup: The Lobster (2015)
Do you really want to break up? If this is a question you’re asking yourself during your Valentine’s Day movie selection process, then a) not a great sign, and b) put yourself in Colin Farrell’s shoes. More specifically, place yourself in the shoes of his character in The Lobster.
After his wife leaves him, he’s legally obliged to check into a hotel in which he has 45 days to find a new partner or he’ll be transformed into an animal. If by the end of the film you figure you’d rather be an actual lobster, manatee, goat, whatever, than spend much longer in your relationship, you’ll have your answer.
See also: Marriage Story and Blue Valentine.