I noticed that your latest iOS update included an unacceptable redesign of the beloved peach emoji. What once looked vaguely like a butt, is now quite obviously a mere peach. Maybe you’re not aware of the significance of this deciduous fruit avatar, but it (along with the eggplant, water droplets and various hand emojis) is essential to sexting.
If, once again, you’re not familiar with what sexting is (and I wouldn’t be surprised), let me explain: sexting is a form of text-based sexual foreplay, where innuendo-laden emojis are exchanged as a precursor to a sexual encounter. Desexualizing the peach is a heinous act of digital cock blocking that I, along with many other people, simply refuse to tolerate.
For all of our readers that haven’t been paying much attention to the internet lately, let me give you some context: Apple unveiled the next update to its iOS the other day, and one of the biggest changes is an extensive emoji redesign.
Admirably, the Californian tech giant has added gender options to the firefighter and judge emojis, as well as a slew of different skin shades, ensuring that every single ethnic group is equally represented by the tiny avatars that live inside your phone. But the update has not been without controversy, because racial and gender equality has come at a high price, which I already mentioned earlier.
This curb on sextual emancipation has caused minor outrage across the internet and is the reason why I am writing this open letter.
Human beings have sexual urges, but very few of us are competent erotica writers, so we rely on euphemistic emojis to express our sordid desires to other human beings that might reciprocate them. These redesigned emojis are a major boner killer, and it feels like Apple is trying to desexualize modern digital communication. This is part of a wider sexually puritan agenda that purveys the tech industry.
I’m sure that some would shrug this off as a bogus conspiracy theory, but look at the evidence: not only has Apple desexualized emojis, but Facebook doesn’t allow nudity. The same goes for Instagram, which Zuckerberg also owns. I follow a lot of good-looking women on Instagram who tend to post racy photos of themselves and I often see nipples concealed under a superimposed graphic in the shape of an X or a star.
Why do you hate nipples so much, techies? Do you hate them or do you fear them? Which one is it? We, the people, give you a lot of money (well, to Apple at least) so we have a right to know.
Go onto any pornstars’ Instagram account, and you’ll notice that the app’s oppressive nudity policy has rendered their photos boringly PG. In fact, the only social media platform that doesn’t push any kind of censorship is Twitter. I think this makes it quite clear that Silicon Valley is full of squeamish, sexually repressed prudes.
I mean, it kind of makes sense: if American high school movie geek stereotypes are anything to go by, it’s unlikely that you guys got laid very much, so I’m not surprised that you’re the type of people to blush and stutter at the first sight of a nipple. When I look at Mark Zuckerberg’s face, I see a guy who spends his spare time thinking about how he can devise some powerful new code that circumvents ad blockers, rather than someone who hosts opulent swinger parties at his Californian estate.
Apple CEO, Tim Cook, meanwhile – and I hope you’re reading, Timmy – oozes less sex appeal than a department store mannequin. But who knows, looks can be deceiving. For the sake of balance, Sean Parker, co-creator of Napster, is known for being a bit of a playboy, and his wife is seriously hot, so maybe I’m just peddling baseless cliches. If I am, tell us what it is: why did you take our butt peach away?
Now I don’t want to come across as a nasty school bully that picks on nerds – I’m just trying to figure out why you’re trying to suppress sexual expression. I suppose it’s all about money: an inoffensive, broadly-accessible product is good for profitability, but isn’t digitized produce tame enough? We’re not asking for a strap-on emoji; we’ve already met you half way, now give us an inch of ground by returning our double entendre-infused fruit.
Or maybe this is all part of a wider plan to push your own sexual repression onto the rest of us. If it is: stop. It’s weird. And keep your dirty hands away from our eggplants.
The views and opinions expressed in this piece are those solely of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of Highsnobiety as a whole.
- Lead Image: Eliza Nelson / Flavorwire