Snapchat has grown at an enormous rate since it burst onto the app market in 2011. Initially a niche app for horny teens, Snapchat has been fully embraced by the mainstream, with every celebrity worth their salt now boasting an account.
But some of us would still like to use Snapchat for what was arguably its original purpose: to send a quick nude that will self-destruct after a max of 10 seconds. Occasionally that will mean blessing your significant other(s) with a dick pic.
Like Snapchat, dick pics are also having their moment in the sun. No longer the sole terrain of seedy men in their mid-50s lurking on dating sites, the lighter side of dick pics are being explored on popular Tumblrs like the author’s own Critique My Dick Pic and Things My Dick Does (both very much NSFW, by the way).
There’s still plenty of potential for dick pics to go wrong, though, and you’re going to want to brush up on dick pic etiquette before you go flashing your wang around. We’re here to help, with 10 crucial tips for sending a dick pic on Snapchat.
Get Consent First
No one wants to be bombarded by unsolicited dick pics, and their success rate is a confirmed zero percent. (It’s science, don’t argue.) For the love of the Snapchat gods, please only send your dick pics to people you are sure want to see them.
How do you find out if someone wants to see your junk? Well, you ask them.
If you’re flirting with someone over Snapchat or it’s an IRL partner of yours, simply ask them if they’d like to see a nude, or build up by chatting about dick pics and then dropping a subtle, “I mean, I could send you one if you wanted? No? Hahahaha just kidding! Yeah, no, same. I was kidding.”
Figure Out a Strong Pose and Angle
Cis men in particular have a weird habit of shooting dick pics from dull angles and with awkward positioning. The most common offender is a straight-down, bird’s-eye-view shot of the dick itself, with little surrounding detail.
It’s a lot better to take a dick pic from the front rather than from above, so if you can play around with self-timers, the dreaded selfie stick or even other people who are game to shoot you naked, you should.
Make sure you’re not looking stilted and uncomfortable by adopting a comfortable-looking pose, perhaps by lying down or reclining into a chair. Or, you know, whatever you’re into. This is your time to shine.
Use Good Lighting
The elements of good photography apply to dick pics, too, and lighting is a crucial element to consider. Dick pics often suffer from being taken in dark, dingy bedrooms late at night, and sometimes this is unavoidable: horniness and nude-sharing tends to take place at night.
However, if you want to impress the pants off your partner, you will need bright enough lighting to take a clear shot, and natural lighting is the best if you can access it. If not, go for warm, yellowish hues rather than the harsh white light given off by your laptop screen.
Clear the Junk and Clutter From the Background
It doesn’t matter how fantastic your dick is, if you recipient can see a pile of dirty laundry or vase full of dead flowers in the background, your dick pic will fail to hit the mark. Do your basic due diligence by cleaning up the space around you, even if that’s just your bed.
Make sure you’re shooting in a clear, uncluttered, inviting setting, so that the focus is on what’s happening in the foreground, and not the bomb site behind it.
Don’t Surprise Your Recipient Out of the Blue
No one wants to be bombarded with a surprise dick pic when their boss is standing behind their desk, so deploy tactful timing. The middle of the day might be a bad idea unless you’ve got express permission, and even if it’s after dark, you’re going to need to check that it’s an okay time to send a nude, in case your recipient is at dinner with her elderly aunt, or husband.
This one pretty much ties in to the consent point above: not only do you need to make sure the person you’re talking to wants to receive a dick pic at all, you’ll need to check that they want one now.
Exercise Restraint With Filters and Other Post-production Effects
Sure, filters make everything look better. But plastering your dick pic with the flower ho filter is going to look absurd (and maybe hilarious?) and even more subtle touch-ups can still be obvious, and probably aren’t necessary.
Men are often tempted to lighten the mood by adding emojis, drawings and text to their dick pics; a kind of self-defensive mechanism to guard against the vulnerability of putting your dick out there. Gag dick pics are fine, if your recipient is into that kind of thing, but if you’re trying to turn her on rather than make her chuckle, leave the virtual crayons out of it.
Be Careful About Recycling Nudes
Ahhhh, the delicate politics of recycling nudes. If you’ve nailed the perfect dick pic, you might be tempted to send the same one via Snapchat’s chat function to multiple receivers, rather than risking a subpar shot by taking a fresh one each time.
There’s nothing preventing you from recycling your favorite dick pic – it’s basic efficiency, and, sorry, but women do it all the time – but keep a mental note of who you’ve sent your go-to dick pic to, and if you’re recycling nudes from five years ago when you still worked out, you’re being mildly dishonest.
Think Carefully About Your Privacy
It’s bad faith to screenshot a Snapchat, but we all know that people do it anyway. If one of your recipients takes a screenshot of your dick pic, that thing is hanging around the internet forever if it falls into the wrong hands. If you have any clear identifying tattoos or birth marks this is an even bigger worry.
Keep the following golden rule in mind: “If this leaked, would it destroy me?” If yes, proceed with caution.
Don’t Get Banned
Snapchat is being all coy and pretending that nude sharing isn’t the app’s raison d’etre now, so be careful about your account. Technically, sexually explicit content isn’t permitted, but there’s little that Snapchat can do about it if you’re a private account or if you’re sending your dick pics one-to-one.
If you have a public account and you’re putting your dick pics out there for all and sundry to see, then your account might get banned. Then again, why are you doing that anyway?
Zoom the F*** Out
Truly the most unappealing dick pic to receive is one that is so closely zoomed-in it looks like it should be in a medical textbook, and unfortunately the vast majority of dick pics are way, way too close.
Like most genitalia, penises themselves aren’t exactly gorgeous, and it’s more appealing to provide some content by including some of the rest of your body (privacy points withstanding).
For more tips on improving your Snapchat experience, check out these secret hacks.
We also covered the recent Snapchat vs Instagram stories revelation.