As Carl "CJ" Johnson of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas put it: "Ah shit, here we go again."
Yes, we're talking the Grammys: another Hollywood awards ceremony rapidly waning in relevance, thanks to its history of snubbing of Black artists in favor of Justin Bieber, who sampled Martin Luther King Jr. on a track about being horny for his wife.
This year's mixed bag of nominees (the thought of Ye, Marilyn Manson, and Dr. Luke in the same room sends shivers down my spine), the inevitability of celebrity commentary on The Slap, and maybe a half-assed tribute to Ukraine thrown into the mix equal the makings of an epically tragic evening.
Here, every Bad Scenario that I predict will go down at the 2022 Grammys.
No one will STFU about The Slap
Channeling his hero MLK Jr., Justin Bieber says violence is never the answer. BTS is asked for their opinion on The Slap; all seven of them evaporate into thin air. Trevor Noah opens the show with a Slap joke that divides the internet and spawns thinkpieces for the rest of 2022.
Olivia Rodrigo beefs with ABBA
Two Best Record nominees, one unclosable generational gap: Olivia Rodrigo says she has "no idea" what ABBA is and you can't really blame her — she was born in 2003!
Marshmello removes hat
Surprise! It was Shawn Mendes the whole time.
Best Rap Album goes to FINNEAS
You asked for diversity, and the Recording Academy answered. A last-minute change in rules means that FINNEAS' Optimist is eligible for Rap Album!
Lil Nas X pulls a prank
Will he wear blood-filled shoes on the red carpet? Show up with prosthetic breasts? None of the above. Lil Nas X and his backup dancers perform an impromptu rendition of the uncensored shower scene from the "Industry Baby" music video. The control room manages to blur out five of the six exposed genitalia.
Ye maturely settles differences with Trevor Noah
Ye doesn't cause problems: the greatest PR stunt of all time.